Go to any book store, and you’ll see a variety of books about parenting advice.

Some talk about discipline techniques. Others discuss communication skills, emotional awareness, setting boundaries, achievement in school, or helping your child become confident. All these topics have endless theories, strategies, and philosophies that will make you a great parent.

However, there is one particular parenting skill that never gets its proper recognition.

It’s self-awareness.

And in my opinion, this parenting skill might be the one that makes all the difference. Although it may not provide quick answers or solutions to problems, self-awareness has an effect on all areas of parenting. Self-reflection will not give you the answer to your question or solve your problem immediately but will affect every facet of your parenting.

Looking in the Mirror

Parents observe their children for long periods of time on most occasions.

We take note of their school performance, friend interactions, behaviour and amount of compliance. 

But how often do we take the same amount of interest in ourselves?

How often do we reflect about our own motivations and behavior?

What makes us feel frustrated by something a child has done? Why is this one argument personal, and why is this another one impersonal? What makes a parent controlling or permissive?

It matters to understand because our children also reflect who we are.

The Impact of Our Childhood on Us

Unconsciously or not, we all bring our own childhood to our role of parenthood.

Our upbringing plays a major part in determining who we are as individuals. There are good experiences, which we take to heart. However, there are also experiences which affect us for a lifetime.

Maybe you come from a family where criticism was a regular feature of communication. Perhaps affection was not shown openly. Your childhood may have seen expectations set at an impossible level or there may have been none at all.

No matter how you grew up, that is going to have an impact on how you are raising your child right now. 

So this is where being self-aware is key.

When Fear Becomes the Decision Maker

The task of parenting is accompanied by a great deal of fear.

We fear for our kids’ safety. We fear for their happiness. We fear for the decisions they might make or the obstacles they might face. This is completely natural. The problem arises when fear begins making decisions for us.

Fear can convince us that we need to control every situation. It can make us overprotective. It can lead us to solve problems our children should be learning to solve themselves.

Paradoxically, many of the things we go to such lengths to avoid are what ultimately shape our children. They learn perseverance from failures. They learn humility from disappointments. They learn accountability from mistakes. Challenges builds self confidence. A child who never faces difficulties may lack the skills needed in adulthood.

Difference Between Helping and Controlling

Parenting is the source of many arguments, but most of those arguments arise from a fundamental misunderstanding. 

Parents believe they are assisting when really they are controlling. 

Helping gives direction and still lets the child grow. Controlling tries to control the result. Helping teaches independence. Controlling teaches dependence. Helping shows support saying, “I will be there for you.” Contringis the only one who takes care of everything by saying, “I will do it for you.” Both can be done out of love but the results are very different. Children will have to be confident in making decisions alone one day.  They learn confidence from experience.

Why Expectations Deserve Examination

Every parent has expectations.

This is neither unexpected nor incorrect. The real problem occurs when one does not look into where these expectations stem from. Sometimes expectations can be set based on the child’s strengths and interests. Other times they are based on our own desires. 

Parents can wish for themselves to raise a star athlete, a successful entrepreneur, or even a doctor. Nothing wrong with that either; until they become too obsessed about it. Our children are not just projects or a means to our ends. Every child is an individual with his or her strengths, personality, interests, and desires.

As parents become more aware of themselves, it becomes much easier to distinguish the wishes of a child from that of the parents.

Listening Before Reacting

Self-awareness allows for an amazing benefit. It allows for space.

Space from the situation to the response.

Without that space, emotions usually dictate responses. Self awareness brings with it the power to ask questions instead of acting on impulse. 

• They will become more curious.
• They will listen.
• They will seek understanding.

It seems such a simple thing, yet it can mean everything in the parent child relationship. Children will be made to feel that their voice is being heard.

• They will talk more openly.
• They will seek advice.
• They will trust the relationship.

Parenting is an Endless Process

Being aware of oneself is not something that can be achieved and crossed off a list. Being self-aware means being constantly on guard. It means asking oneself the following tough questions:

• Am I doing this out of emotions or thoughtfulness?
• Do I contribute to my child’s development or try to manipulate it?
• Am I acting according to the circumstances, or am I acting because of my fears?

Such questions can be unpleasant; their answers even more so. However, parenting was never meant to be easy.

Conclusion

Children don’t require ideal parents. They don’t require parents who have all the answers and know precisely how to parent their children. All they require are parents who are ready to learn and grow.

The best parents are not necessarily those who are extremely intelligent, extremely firm, or have all the information. The best parents are those who are able to keep an open mind towards looking at themselves. They understand that parenting is not only about molding their children. Molding your own identity is also a big part of parenting. Ultimately, self-awareness may not be the parenting characteristic that everyone thinks about, but it certainly enhances the other parenting traits. Self-awareness is a quality that can and should be far more valued than it presently is.