All the parents I have ever met want the same thing.

Every parent hopes for their child to enjoy happiness, good health, security, success and independence. No parent wakes up in the morning and tries to think of ways they can sabotage the relationship between them and their child.

The issue is that good intentions don’t always lead to positive results.

Sometimes, the worst parenting choices I’ve ever seen came from the loving and devoted parents, who did everything believing they were doing the right thing.

They weren’t terrible parents.

They just acted upon certain assumptions they never took a closer look at.

That’s why I believe one of the most crucial things for a parent to ask themselves isn’t whether they’re putting their best effort, but whether they’re doing something useful at all.

When Love Turns Into Control

Most parents don’t set out to be controlling.

Control usually arrives disguised as concern. Such as; just wanting the best for your child

And most of the time, that assertion rings true beyond belief.

What makes it difficult is that children are not simply projects that must be managed.

It can be difficult to differentiate between leading an individual and controlling him/her.

Many parents will unknowingly cross this threshold and be the sole decision-maker for their child with every decision, choice, and, action until one day, they realize that they have created a child that is incapable of making their own decisions.

We shield our children from making mistakes while also taking away the opportunities for them to learn and grow through their education and daily living experiences.

The Hidden Reason for a Lot of Parenting Choices

It’s time for some tough truth.

The majority of parenting decisions are not influenced by the child but rather the parent’s needs. This isn’t me being judgmental; it’s simply an observation about reality. Often times, we push kids because:

• We desire to have our decisions validated.
• We have anxieties and concerns about making mistakes if we relax our vigilance.
• We are seeking assurance in a time of unpredictability.

None of the above points make you a bad parent; however, all of them warrant serious examination.

Children understand the difference between pushing and motivation. Children can recognize when they are following through on a passion and when they are following through on another person’s expectations.

Acknowledging why we do what we do can be very beneficial for our decision making process.

Your Child Is Not Your Reflection

The hardest things for many parents to come to terms with is that their child does not mirror them as people. They are not your legacy, they are not what you have failed to accomplish, they are not the way for you to achieve your dreams; they are another person who will become who he/she is as time goes on based on his/her own experiences. They are their own person.

It may seem simple in black and white, but it’s sometimes quite challenging in application.

We hope that they will think the way we think, and see things through our eyes, but good parenting takes a great deal of humbleness in the acceptance of the fact that they may grow up into someone who is entirely different from ourselves, and that is perfectly fine.

The goal isn’t to create a copy of yourself. The goal is to help another human being discover who they are.

Why Mistakes Matter

Parents often spend enormous amounts of energy trying to eliminate mistakes from their children’s lives. Unfortunately, mistakes happen to be one of life’s greatest teachers. Think about your own life; how many of your most important lessons came from success? And how many came from failure, disappointment, embarrassment, or poor decisions?

For most of us, the answer is obvious. Experience teaches lessons that lectures never can.

This doesn’t mean parents should stand back and allow dangerous behavior. Of course not; boundaries matter, guidance matters. Safety matters.

But there is a difference between protecting children from genuine harm and protecting them from every uncomfortable experience. Learning to navigate disappointment, frustration, rejection, and failure is part of growing up. The parent who rescues a child from every challenge may unintentionally leave them unprepared for adulthood.

The Strength of Listening

One of the easiest parenting skills to learn is probably the one least used:

listening. Not preaching, not advising, not immediately fixing things – just listening.

If we listen carefully to our children they will tell us everything we want to know about them. Unfortunately, the conversation between parents and children has turned into a monologue with the parent doing all the talking and the child doing nothing but obeying their parent. It becomes different only when children feel listened to rather than controlled. Listening doesn’t imply approving of everything the child thinks but rather acknowledging the point of view before speaking back.

And this can make all the difference.

Good Parents Get Things Wrong

This may be the most important point of all: You are going to make mistakes.

Every parent does. You will overreact. Sometimes you do things in anger or frustration, or decisions are made based on your emotions and then you regret saying something or doing something stupid. But that doesn’t mean that you are a bad parent – it means you are a human.  

However, what really counts is how you deal with the situation following this type of action or circumstances – can you accept being wrong? Can you apologize? Can you adjust? Can you learn?

Children don’t need perfect parents. They need honest ones. 

They need parents who exemplify growth over perfection.

A few of the most powerful parent-child relationships are formed not because errors were never made, but because parents and kids both learned how to fix them.

A Question Worth Asking Yourself

When you are faced with any parental decision, take a moment to reflect on whether you are doing it for your child or yourself?

It may not be an easy question to answer. It is normal to make mistakes while raising your children; but as long as you are aware that there are good questions to continually ask yourself about your parental decisions, you can improve as a parent.

Intentions play an important part. While they may serve as a starting point, good intentions should never be the end of everything.

It is not necessarily the parents who have a foolproof strategy when it comes to parenting who make lasting connections with their kids. Rather, it is those who have the courage to reflect on themselves, adjust accordingly, and realize that parenting is all about allowing another person to come into his/her own.

This task requires more work than exercising control, but it is also much more rewarding.